The story behind my latest tattoo and what it means to me:-
I blogged recently about the guy who quit his ‘successful’ big career to become a forest monk in Thailand. I recently read his book called ‘I may be wrong’ which was brilliant.
Well, his abbot at the monastery told the group of monks, including this guy Nathako, one night during his daily teachings about a mantra that would change their lives forever. He said when we you feel any conflict arising with another or even yourself simple say to yourself before doing anything ‘I may be wrong’ 3 or 4 times.
Then the conflict will go and you realise being right doesn’t matter.
For me, in my childhood, I was conditioned by my parents to be always right. It was like a badge of honour to be right and at any cost no matter what you had to do to be right and no matter what suffering was caused.
So it is a reminder to me when that pattern still comes in me, it does come still. Also, it is a recognition and a ‘hug’ to myself just how much I’ve changed and how far I’ve come on my journey and how far I still want to go.
This continued into my adult life until I learnt that nothing matters least of all being right.
It means so much to me to have that piece of art on my skin and I’m completely full of joy about it.
It’s all part of my journey to remove all the shackles that have held me back.
I increasingly want to have no opinion about anything. I know nothing and I really do not give a fuck about being right any more.
I have over the course of a lifetime allowed my mind to dominate the real me, I have shackled myself with repeating thought patterns, made up in my head by the unconscious ramblings of others’ minds and the never-ending ramblings of my own.
I have created these so-called ‘truths’ about myself based on utter nonsense and then acted upon them. Thus actually creating the stories in reality. What we believe reality is, is what reality is. We always create and manifest our own reality. If we believe something to be true, then it is. If we believe we can do something we can and, of course, if we believe we can’t, then no surprise, we can’t.
I have felt shackled by those restrictions that I have created in my head and I have been slowly unshackling myself. However, I feel like I am slowly undoing a bolt or just starting to take the hacksaw to the chain and cutting slowly through it.
I feel that I want to jump into the water, but I just put one toe in, maybe a foot, and then I’m scared, the water is frightening, it’s cold, so I run back to the safety of the beach. It’s funny, that I am able outside of the nonsense of my head, to run straight into any sea, in any temperature and dive straight in, I have a cold shower, and during the winter months a fucking freezing cold shower, every single day and have done for 2 years.
However, when it comes to getting on with my life dreams and allowing my soul to experience the things it wants to, the things I’d really, really, really want to do in life, then I am back to dipping the toe in the water and running back to the safety of the beach. Fear, as in whopping great psychological fear grips us all when it comes to the things we really want to do most in life. It is the fear of the uncertain future, that is just a concept in our heads as, of course, the future does not exist there is only now.
I am building the bravery muscle, as I want to stop just slowly removing the shackles, like dipping the toe in the water, I want to just dive in, I want to tear the shackles off in one go and be totally free of the restriction.
I want to live a totally authentic life, where I allow the real me, my soul to experience life unhindered by the shackles of my mind and its thoughts and ego.
That means I have to face vulnerability and if you love Brene Brown’s work as I do, you’ll know that facing and rumbling (her fav word) with vulnerability isn’t a fluffy, cool and easy thing. It is like having to cross a river of molten lava in a flimsy dingy. Vulnerability, as in truly being our authentic and soulful essence is hard and requires true courage to ‘brave the wilderness’ (great Brene Brown book).
The hard things in life always bring us the most amazing and magical adventures and experiences, the very reason we are here and they get easier the more we brave it and build that bravery muscle, it’s all habit. The easy things turn sour, they bring us the suffering, regret, pain, internal pain, and eventually mental and physical decline. Easy gets hard and hard gets easy. But hard things require taking the shackles off, diving in and crossing the river of molten lava. But if life was plain sailing, no molten lava rivers, there would be no point to it.
Of course, our minds and egos don’t want any of this risk so it sabotages our attempts to be vulnerable and throw off the shackles. But at some point, when we are on the edge of that diving board looking down at the pool wanting to jump, we can either jump and become free or stay put, suffering a life of not achieving our true dreams living an unconscious mind-dominated life, whereby we miss real life now and spend it in our heads.