Buried emotions that dance around the graveyard of my mind

A lot of my life I have been deaf through talking when I could have chosen to listen, I have starved people of the oxygen to explain themselves and left them fighting to be understood. The fear of being wrong if I listened coupled with wanting to earn another badge of being right.

The attention was gained from hogging the mic, talking the loudest, I’m right.

This is part of the journey that is hard, this where I have been in the last few years, in an emotional dark hole inside me. Braving up to the demons, dragging those buried emotions out of the graves inside my head, where I thought they would all rest in peace and leave me alone. But they didn’t stay in their graves, they danced all over their graves and haunted me.

The last 6-7 years, maybe more intensely in last 2-3 years, and now, as an ongoing journey of rumbling with and digging deep into the emotions of the past, I have been unpicking the past and I have been re-writing the past, changing the narrative to the real truth, not some other ‘truth’ that I have been telling myself, that I have been conditioned to think by ‘them’. ‘Them’ being the others, society all the people who have no right to tell me who I am, how I should behave, think, act. I am now taking ownership of my story, I am now choosing to be the star in my own life film instead of being a frustrated extra.

That way I can become an even better listener and give people who matter to me the oxygen they need to be understood, to tell their story, to share their narrative.

In order to move forward, we have to go back and dig up the emotions that are buried in the dark places. We have to be brave enough to face them, understand them and write a narrative that moves us forward and serves us well. Talking badly to ourselves serves us and everyone else around us badly.

I have learnt to be kind to myself, empathetic to myself, to change my inner voice, to be brave enough to face the emotions and demons. I am still digging up more in the huge cemetery that is the dark corner of Philip’s mind. It is an ongoing journey and a big task as the body count has been high in my life, the corpses have piled high, like an emotional Battle of the Somme.

Was or is it easy? No. But it is a whole lot better than having those demons, untruths and emotions dancing around my mind and preventing me from being me and living my life.

You have to see pain and suffering with purpose, as Viktor Frankl did on an epic scale, and then you can face anything because the pain has a meaning.

Despair = suffering – meaning (Thanks, Chip Conley for these wonderful and simple equations).

The more meaning to the suffering the less the despair.

The dancing party for my demons and untruths is coming to an end, they are running out of songs.

Blockages

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No matter what we are trying to do in life, we often come up against blockages.

These blockages are not real physical things very often, perhaps a tree might fall and block the road, but normally the blocks live in our heads.

No one else puts them there either, we put them there. We may try to blame others and say it was them who made us think that. But ‘them’ are not to blame, no one is, we choose to put the blocks there.

Sometimes they are obvious blocks, for example if we have a bad leg, then it is probably a good idea to block the plan to go tree climbing. Or if we can’t swim, then in the short-term it probably might be good to block the idea of a round the world sailing trip. Longer term we can learn how to swim, if we really want to sail around the world badly enough.

The more difficult blocks are the ones that are well disguised by excuses that our chimp, instant gratification brain, comes up with to block anything that will interfere with short-term reward and gain. Blockages in the head are often fear related, fear of failure, fear of being laughed at, fear that we aren’t good or worthy enough to do something.

Blockages come in all forms, but the good news is, like a blocked pipe or drain, they can be flushed out and cleared.

The key is to identify what the real reason is for holding us up from trying, starting or doing something. It is nearly always the thing that we think we most want in life that we have the biggest blocks about.

Sometimes the block is we kid ourselves that we want to do a particular activity or want to behave in a certain way, when really deep down we don’t.

If we find out who we really are, how we really want to be and why we want to do something or not, then there is a good chance of finding what the blocks are.

Then it’s a step by step process of removing the block by changing habits and the ‘truths’ we tell ourselves.

We all have blocks, find them, and slowly start to remove them. But first, make sure that you really, as in really, really want to do that thing. Then the inspiration is there to overcome any blockages.