Buried emotions that dance around the graveyard of my mind

A lot of my life I have been deaf through talking when I could have chosen to listen, I have starved people of the oxygen to explain themselves and left them fighting to be understood. The fear of being wrong if I listened coupled with wanting to earn another badge of being right.

The attention was gained from hogging the mic, talking the loudest, I’m right.

This is part of the journey that is hard, this where I have been in the last few years, in an emotional dark hole inside me. Braving up to the demons, dragging those buried emotions out of the graves inside my head, where I thought they would all rest in peace and leave me alone. But they didn’t stay in their graves, they danced all over their graves and haunted me.

The last 6-7 years, maybe more intensely in last 2-3 years, and now, as an ongoing journey of rumbling with and digging deep into the emotions of the past, I have been unpicking the past and I have been re-writing the past, changing the narrative to the real truth, not some other ‘truth’ that I have been telling myself, that I have been conditioned to think by ‘them’. ‘Them’ being the others, society all the people who have no right to tell me who I am, how I should behave, think, act. I am now taking ownership of my story, I am now choosing to be the star in my own life film instead of being a frustrated extra.

That way I can become an even better listener and give people who matter to me the oxygen they need to be understood, to tell their story, to share their narrative.

In order to move forward, we have to go back and dig up the emotions that are buried in the dark places. We have to be brave enough to face them, understand them and write a narrative that moves us forward and serves us well. Talking badly to ourselves serves us and everyone else around us badly.

I have learnt to be kind to myself, empathetic to myself, to change my inner voice, to be brave enough to face the emotions and demons. I am still digging up more in the huge cemetery that is the dark corner of Philip’s mind. It is an ongoing journey and a big task as the body count has been high in my life, the corpses have piled high, like an emotional Battle of the Somme.

Was or is it easy? No. But it is a whole lot better than having those demons, untruths and emotions dancing around my mind and preventing me from being me and living my life.

You have to see pain and suffering with purpose, as Viktor Frankl did on an epic scale, and then you can face anything because the pain has a meaning.

Despair = suffering – meaning (Thanks, Chip Conley for these wonderful and simple equations).

The more meaning to the suffering the less the despair.

The dancing party for my demons and untruths is coming to an end, they are running out of songs.

I’ve stepped off the diving board, wow, it’s fucking scary

I’ve gone public, I’ve let the cat out of the bag, after 2 years plus of blogging every day, which at the time was a fucking scary step, I have now moved out of that safety zone. I am still close enough to shore, that I could row back…tempting, but I’ve learnt so many times that safety is false. I’ve jumped off the top board and as yet I don’t know what will happen.

Yesterday’s blog was a big step forward and a massive one for me, but it is now frightening, as to continue this journey I have to be brave enough to build my courage muscle even more, I have to dare to be great and step ‘into the ring’ as Brene Brown would say. I have to be prepared to show my soft underbelly, don’t worry there won’t be any art or photos of my soft underbelly!

I do a weekly podcast with my mate Bernie for my coworking business and we are usually pretty vulnerable, perhaps its easier doing it in pairs, shared openness and vulnerability seem to be easier, a bit like jumping off something holding a friends hand, jumping into the unknown together. However, there comes a point where we have to take the stabilisers of the bike and brave it alone.

I have a story to tell and share, like every single one of us on the planet. Perhaps, it will only be interesting to me, but that does not matter, it is about releasing this stuff from inside me, about changing the narrative inside my head and by sharing that in public it is even more healing, it is vitally important for letting go and changing how I tell my internal story about the past and making the most of building my future now.

I have gone on a massive journey of change, most of you who know me now but did not 5 years ago, 10 years ago, would not believe the mental, spiritual and physical changes that I have gone through.

So sharing this is personal, to remind me of the journey I have been on and to remind me that this journey is an ongoing process of getting to an even better version, every day is an opportunity to make another step on the road.

I hope, but do not expect, that this will have an impact on others. I always used to believe in the myth that we are liked dipped in concrete at about age 17-18 and that’s it, that is how you will be for the rest of our life. That you will just have to live with the internal struggle between the real you and the one we sheepishly put on display to the world, held back by what others think or tell us. Now I know you can become the person you truly are and you can change almost anything about yourself, certainly all the things that really matter.

I have been to the bottom. I have faced the abyss and now I am rising from that and it is hard, it is not easy fighting a lifetime of ingrained behaviours and habits, it is not easy shaking off your conditioning.

The most important thing to learn is compassion, humility, empathy, connections to others who will be empathetic and non-judgemental too.

This is the 2nd day of a different voice on my blog after over 2 years of blogging every single day, I have now made a small step to change. I loved the last 2 years, learnt a massive amount, I know that I made a huge impact for some and myself, and that is the reward for the dedication and commitment.

Now I am choosing to make a new commitment to myself, to be even braver, to be even more vulnerable, and to keep going on the journey of being even better every day.

This is uncertain, this is risky but who cares it will be scary and enjoyable at the same time. The roller coaster I am on is just about to leave the safety and climb the hill. Shit I’m scared, today’s post alone feels as if it has taken me out to the middle of the dance floor at the scariest social event, where you feel like Billy ‘No Mates’, the spotlight is turned on me, everyone is watching, I have left the crowd and the music is about to start.

I might go back to safety tomorrow.