Tag: views

The stories we make up about others

Posted on by philipdodson

When we are in the habit of making up stories about others, filling in the blanks, judging and making assumptions based on nothing, or because the other hasn’t spoken or has said something that triggered us or we have not taken the time to ask the other, then we experience a lot of suffering from our own false stories which create a lot of unnecessary emotions in the body. We often then vent the suffering on others, and we become reactive instead of understanding.

Before we get to the stage of acting, we have to rumble with some ‘shitty first drafts’ as Brene Browm brilliantly calls them. Where either in our heads or on a piece of paper (computer screen if you must) we write down what we are making up and get all that shitty stuff out. Doing that gives us a moment to reflect and a moment to measure that against our wholehearted approach which is that the other person is acting with good intentions and is doing the best that they can. We realise that we are making stuff up without any basis for it, we know nothing of the intentions or thoughts of the other.

Once we have those shitty first drafts, in the right space where it is safe to do so, we can share those shitty first drafts with others. Even with the person to who it relates, as long as we are kind in how we deliver it and sure that they will see them as honest admissions of what we are making up. If we tell others what we are making up related to them, they have a chance to tell us the real picture from their point of view. 

But it has to be the right person to be able to share them with. They have to own their stories and be able to be empathetic listeners without judgement or advice of us, otherwise, we will shut down and close off. 

We may not have found that person yet, but we need to keep trying, they exist and we have to be that person for others too.

Once we have gotten over the shitty bits,  we can then give the other person an opportunity to fill in the blanks. Then we actually get the whole picture from the other person and do not react to the stories that we have made up. 

Not surprisingly, when we allow the other person to explain and give us the real story of what is happening with them, we no longer have to react. What others are thinking is their business and is not about us, it never is. It is almost never the story we have made up about them.

Even if others aren’t acting with the best intentions, there is a reason for that, we can choose to see and understand this and be compassionate about it. Almost always, others act with the best intentions and if we do not seek to understand them first, then we will always be acting from a place of not knowing and based on the stories we have made up about them or the situation.

Stepping up is bravery

Posted on by philipdodson

We think that it is someone else, them, others, people, they are doing it…a person to blame or something else to analyse, another excuse to hide.

Others are not doing anything to us, we are doing it all to ourselves by how we choose to react to others, and others are behaving in response to what we send out.

If we change what we send out and how we react, then we can change the world to whatever we want it to be.

We manifest the reality of our lives now, by what we choose. The only common factor in our entire life is ourselves and the choices we make, then the actions we create and the outcomes we get. It’s all ours to choose and own.

If we choose to not respect ourselves and our boundaries, then others will not respect us. If we choose to react to others’ anger with anger, we will receive more anger and so on.

It is our choice and ours alone, and as Eckhart Tolle brilliantly says ‘the answer to every question in life is now’. This present moment is all that matters as that is where real life exists and where we can change anything we want to change. Endless analysis of the past or projection into the future is futile. Change happens from within us now and no one else has anything to do with it unless we choose to allow it.

We are not here to fix others or to be fixed by them. We can only be who we are right now and we can only change that right now. The answer isn’t in the past. Unless we look there and identify with, and cling to, the past versions of us and stories we made up in our minds about who we thought we were then.

We are what we are now, and if we believe that we want something different, then change it now. What we want to be now is no one else’s business and they have no right to question or own our journey, choices or stories.

If we act always from our hearts and not our minds, then we will always choose love as the guide and not the past, stories, fears, or the choices of others about who we should be.

We are only what others say or believe we are if we choose to accept and believe that too. It isn’t about right or wrong it is about what we feel we are that matters.

We never need to seek permission, or approval or have to justify ourselves to anyone. Our journey is ours and instead of spending a lifetime analysing it, searching for it, thinking about it, hiding from it, looking in books, watching videos or attending courses, we could choose to just be what we want to be right now. We could choose to step up onto the stage and live our lives or we can choose to stay in the shadow looking for it when it is already here. We do not have life, well we do in our mind and its stories, we are life…now.

Sure we will fuck it up, fall over, fail and end up on the floor, but when we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down, take the learning and go again, we will experience real life, we will be alive in this moment, with no one to blame as there is no blame and we will be alive. The views of those in the cheap seats, chucking their shame, judgement, opinions and righteousness can be ignored as they are not in the ring ‘daring greatly’ as Brene Brown would say.

Stepping up is bravery and hard, but it is the only way to be alive.

Bravery is living life not analysing it, thinking about it or seeking others’ views of it. It is not about reading books, attending courses or telling others what you think about them. It is living in this moment and being prepared to fail and go again no matter what.

Am I stepping up? That’s all I can ask myself. It’s not my place to judge others, it is my place to be brave enough to do it for myself.