Tag: thinking

The stories we make up about others

Posted on by philipdodson

When we are in the habit of making up stories about others, filling in the blanks, judging and making assumptions based on nothing, or because the other hasn’t spoken or has said something that triggered us or we have not taken the time to ask the other, then we experience a lot of suffering from our own false stories which create a lot of unnecessary emotions in the body. We often then vent the suffering on others, and we become reactive instead of understanding.

Before we get to the stage of acting, we have to rumble with some ‘shitty first drafts’ as Brene Browm brilliantly calls them. Where either in our heads or on a piece of paper (computer screen if you must) we write down what we are making up and get all that shitty stuff out. Doing that gives us a moment to reflect and a moment to measure that against our wholehearted approach which is that the other person is acting with good intentions and is doing the best that they can. We realise that we are making stuff up without any basis for it, we know nothing of the intentions or thoughts of the other.

Once we have those shitty first drafts, in the right space where it is safe to do so, we can share those shitty first drafts with others. Even with the person to who it relates, as long as we are kind in how we deliver it and sure that they will see them as honest admissions of what we are making up. If we tell others what we are making up related to them, they have a chance to tell us the real picture from their point of view. 

But it has to be the right person to be able to share them with. They have to own their stories and be able to be empathetic listeners without judgement or advice of us, otherwise, we will shut down and close off. 

We may not have found that person yet, but we need to keep trying, they exist and we have to be that person for others too.

Once we have gotten over the shitty bits,  we can then give the other person an opportunity to fill in the blanks. Then we actually get the whole picture from the other person and do not react to the stories that we have made up. 

Not surprisingly, when we allow the other person to explain and give us the real story of what is happening with them, we no longer have to react. What others are thinking is their business and is not about us, it never is. It is almost never the story we have made up about them.

Even if others aren’t acting with the best intentions, there is a reason for that, we can choose to see and understand this and be compassionate about it. Almost always, others act with the best intentions and if we do not seek to understand them first, then we will always be acting from a place of not knowing and based on the stories we have made up about them or the situation.

Yahtzee and an aha! moment that changes everything

Posted on by philipdodson

As a family, we love playing Yahtzee, which for those who are not familiar with it, it is a simple dice game with 5 dice, you get 3 rolls to achieve certain set things like as many 1’s, 2’s, 3’s, 4’s, 5’s and 6’s as you can, 3 of a kind, 4 of a kind, a full house (3 of one number and 2 of another), a high and low straight (1,2,3,4 and 5 or 2,3,4,5 and 6), and Yahtzee the ultimate score with 50 points is 5 of the same number and then there is a ‘chance’ where if you mess up aiming to get one of the set things you can just add the total of the dice at the end of your 3 rolls.

We’ve been playing it almost every day recently and we all love it.

I had an ‘aha’ moment yesterday after playing it. I noticed that in games, especially Yahtzee but also most other games, I am very decisive and I instinctively know what I want to do. I do not hesitate when playing Yahtzee…I might roll as my first role of the 5 dice a 6,5,3,2 and 2. I immediately know to go for my low straight 2,3,4,5 or 3,4,5,6 or I sense to go for Yahtzee with 2’s I only need 3 more 2’s from another 2 rolls. I just immediately do what I feel. Now, of course, I do not always get it right, but I say ‘no worries, it’s just a game, I get another turn in a minute and it’s always OK because I can play another game’.

I am good at playing games as I risk everything and as I said it does not always work, but it works more often than not, I am confident and I believe I am good at it and therefore, I am and I win quite often.

As I laid in bed thinking about this, I realised that life is a game of Yahtzee. Every moment we get to start a new game if we choose, it doesn’t matter what I rolled last time, just go again and again. Follow your instinct, your feeling, the intuition from your soul and do it. Do not fear what dice to roll in life, just roll them and see what comes up. If the dice aren’t what you want roll again. We can always start again from any situation and the more we roll the better we get at knowing what works and doesn’t.

What happens in life is I think, I hesitate, I analyse, I think about all the options and the what ifs. Instead, I can use my intuition from my soul and just roll. I can change on the next roll if the outcome doesn’t give me the right dice and then go again. I can start a new game and learn from the choices I made last time, I can enjoy the rolling of the dice too, as I am not fearful of the outcome.

I am now going to play Yahtzee every day in my life. Of course, it will, like any game, take practice and the belief that you can do it, but that is what life is, a fun game to be played and to learn as we play. Of course, I’ll make bad choices, and need to start a new game as I will run out of rolls for that game. It will be a challenge because I’ll have to overcome my mind and I’ll have to deal with my fears.

Mistakes are only mistakes if we do not learn from them, and even then, we have a lifetime to eventually get the lesson and apply it and maybe we won’t learn, but hey that’s OK too.

Play Yahtzee…it’s great fun and it could change your life.