Tag: family

Fixing others that aren’t broken

Posted on by philipdodson

Often in life, especially with people who matter to me, I have wanted, with good intention, to help them and to fix them. If I saw them doing something that I had learnt painfully was a mistake then I so wanted to save them from that pain.

What I have now learnt is people are not broken and they didn’t need fixing, it was me who needed to adjust my perspective, as they weren’t me, I was stuck in autobiographical mode, what mattered to me.

Also, I am now learning to focus on me, not that I am broken and need fixing either, but if I work on being a role model, being inspirational, being a leader, being true to myself, then perhaps if someone does want to change something and then they may see something that I do or have done that might help inspire them.

The whole thing is ratcheted up to a much higher level of desire to fix and help when it is your own children, but here it is even more essential that I am a good role model rather than a fixer of things that are not broken.

Of course, like everything, it is a work in progress for me and learning to let things be is hard, but so worth it.

Facing awkward things together.

Posted on by philipdodson

I learnt that or this or whatever I struggle with in life type behaviour from my childhood and some of the damage that is done by our parents that we then have to spend a lifetime unravelling, why do we not let these things go earlier and get them out in the open?

As a parent, there are things that I know that I could have done even better or differently with the knowledge and experience I have now. But, I didn’t have that at the time, so there is no reproach, no blame, just learning, and learning how to make things better.

So now it is a chance to make the choice that every day is an opportunity to do it differently or even better to apply the learning. We can achieve that if we choose to and use the pain and suffering that the mistakes of parenthood can cause as the driver and the purpose to our life going forward. Not blaming or regretting or punishing ourselves or others for the mistakes, but doing an even better job, as there is always time to put things to a different outcome and a better outcome that both would like.

It is about discussing openly as a family and looking collectively on what even better looks like for everyone and this is a way of breaking the cycle so that if they have children in the future that they do not make the same choices and perpetuate the wrong outcomes.

After all, it is all subjective and opinions and there is not a manual on how to be the perfect parent, and perfect is dull and only momentarily achievable until someone surpasses it.

It is about doing what we feel is the right thing, but it is about discussing the awkward, the difficult, talking about the ‘elephant in the room’. Then being open and willing to admit that you were wrong, that you are willing to work to do things differently, or even better, and making it a thing that you work on together with your children so that they feel in control and part of the process.

Children can often help adults to become better and deal with their issues, it is not all about the parent teaching the child and that is what is wrong with the world, this view that adults are right and they always know best, often the unspoilt mind of the child is better-equipped and less cluttered to deal with things in a more practical and open way, naivety is a benefit, idealism is a plus.

Facing awkward things together and discussing how to make things even better is so much better than anger, blame, remorse and staying stuck.