I don’t know

For a lot of my life, I have been a bullshitter. I have had a view on almost everything from politics, to cooking, to hang gliding blind in the dark while playing the piano.

I have had an opinion on almost everything, this is a conditioning that men suffer from particularly, they are expected to know everything, ‘ask your father’. It’s seen internally by us men that you are weak if you do not know something.

It’s similar to this crap about always having to be tough and not show emotion.

I have been learning, hard as I find it, awkward as it is, vulnerable as it makes me feel, to say ‘I don’t know about that’.

I’ve realised that it’s OK not to know about fucking everything and it’s OK not to have to have an opinion on everything too. I am worthy already like we all are, regardless of what I know and whether I have an opinion on something.

Now, if I want to have an opinion, I am forcing myself to actually find out about something, by asking questions and listening without evaluation.

This is so hard, it is such ingrained habit, learnt in my formative years from a family environment where everyone had an opinion on anything and everything, regardless of the facts or actually knowing a single thing about it.

So I have been learning gradually not to bullshit anymore, I am learning to say ‘I don’t know’. Also, perhaps even if I have an opinion, I am choosing to hear someone else’s first before laying out my views.

I don’t know what this will lead to but I have enjoyed the fact that it is hugely liberating not to pretend to know everything.

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